I have a secret weapon....and it's not in my pants!:February 27th : As the day that tests speed, agility, alcoholism and heart approaches I ask you....... are you ready!? Training for me has consisted of many things. In this blog I will reveal to you the regimen of a champion right down to what brand of jock strap to wear. What I won't reveal is my secret weapon, again it's not in my pants! The .10K is March 15th and you can register by clicking on the link at our home page.
On to my regimen. Mornings I wake to the sound of bagpipes and groans of satisfaction by the multiple midget strippers who sleep at my feet. Once awake I head straight to the shower. While showering I listen to a healthy dose of Journey cranked to 11. Now time to nourish my holy temple. I find that a Miller Lite goes a long way when mixed with Roundy's Rice squares. I have been allergic to milk since birth so my Mom has always poured Miller Lite on my cereal. Thanks Mom I love you! After about a six pack of golden goodness the morning is complete. Middays I mix whiskey and cokes all day at "work". What's that I F*cked up your audio mix! Perhaps it sounds like Sh*t to you because you are not wasted!!!! Afternoons continuing my binge I consume nothing but Miller Lite for dinner. If still coherent I will squeeze in a cardiovascular workout. Nights well all you need to do is reference mornings! As far as the secret weapon. You will wish you had one and probably cry when you see mine! Good luck in training for the .10k I will laugh at you then.....Oh yeah what brand of jock strap do I wear? The kind for big boys!
Cracked ribs, codeine and a pregnant stripper: February 19th: It begins west of our great city on the snowy slopes in a sleepy little town called Mt. Horeb. Second time snowboarding, mind you the first time I broke my tail bone. Well this time I did not do much better. I managed to crack a rib and pull some muscles. Ignoring this fact until the next day left me moving around like an incontinent 80 year old man! Eventually disregarding my ego and seeking professional help did reward me a bottle of pills and absolutely no real advice. Now with my tolerance for physical pain in question I see some beautiful light shining my way. The night before the great day of adulation my female friend comes over to pay me a visit and confirm the suspicions I'd been having about our relationship. Yeah I did get fired that night. Oh well a bottle full of opiate derived deliciousness would coddle me at least for the next week or so.
Now approaching the weekend and being on the disabled list I find myself stoned watching cooking shows on PBS. Due to the intoxication I was under the impression that these were the best cooking shows I had ever seen. Discovering such culinary greatness I just had to let my friends know. Oh yeah! Stoned, watching cooking shows on PBS and texting my friends on how titillating they are. This pain killer trip would all come to a head that very night. My work related obligations had taken me to a "Exotic Dance Club". While performing my duties I start to converse with one of the entertainers. As she takes a drag from her cigarette I can't help but notice what seems to be a bun in the oven. Turns out she is 5 months prego and saving up cash for the kid. Once again in my already overly introspective state I can't help but start to question purpose. A cracked rib being sung to sleep by codeine, a heart that once again lies in question and a new life earning a future a dollar at a time. I cannot blind myself from the positive outcome to all of this. My rib is cracked which afforded me these wonderful drugs allowing pain to dissipate. Having been told my current attempt to woo did not suffice I will not have to worry about my own little one anytime soon. As for the entertainment that tripped out night; it's all the same to me!
The great day of ADULATION: February 14th: Ah yes the day of amity, ador, delight, cherishing. Do I believe in this day at all......no! It's another excuse for the meddling, cheating, sleeze ass, corporate, capitalist, pigs to put your worth under a microscope. These back stabbing bastards don't even know what LOVE is. They just think, and make others think that we can sum up our feelings in one day with a dozen roses or a brilliant shining diamond......BULLSH*T! I'm not saying to withhold your feelings for someone. That is the exact opposite of my point. You should LOVE them just as intensley any other day. You just can't put the weight of the love you have on one day....It's just not possible but is oh so cunningly made into a day of titanic collateral for these gluttonous swine. So on this day when it is impossible for you to turn your head from the heaps of sugar, spice and everyting nice remeber what really matters. This could be anything from your health to your signifigant other. It may be easy to feel left out on days like these but that is the precise blind fold being pushed upon you. Today is just another day where the majority is at a party and the event planners wanted to make the minority feel like they are missing out on something.
Blasphemous behavior sparked by glutany: January 31st: My work day ends yesterday and I decide to head to a local fast food joint. Pulling up to the drive through I realize my window will not open due to the arctic weather that also has my gonads looking for a place to hide. Being the amazing problem solver that I am I decide to park and go in. Upon entering this despensable dining disaster I realize a man making complaints to management. Wait, did I say man I meant 40 something virgin, still living with his parents, seeking pleasure from the latest deep fried creation no one. Whatever his extremely pointless accusation was makes no difference. The fact is that he was looking for something free out of the deal. We have amused ourselves with countless ways to consume meals the way we want, alone, without meaning, without companionship, to save another useless minute just to rush to the next insignificant, empty, online, TV, texting desolation. This person was giving as much hell as he could to what I would consider middle to lower class, blue collar workers. He then threatens never to come back, claiming he may be done with this establishment forever.
I almost said something to him and probably should have. You could tell the manager wanted to take a knife to this guys heart for the fact that the whole situation was immensely preposterous!
With infinite options to clog your arteries, dine alone, overindulge, save time, get fast food have we forgotten who we are. You may have a family you may not but there are plenty of other isolated individuals who, if they could pull away from the technilogical black hole, would probably enjoy someones company as well. Too many choices! Get it they are choices if you don't like it then go somewhere else. God knows you have options. You also have the option to make your own food, as shitty as you want to! It's like anything in the land of the free you don't like it turn it off, tune it out, BLOG about it and slip back into this TECHNILOGICAL BLACK HOLE that breeds quarantine from human contact, relationships and LOVE.
Some great quotes/lyrics:
"If you think it's you, it probably is"
"Getcha Hellyeah!!!!!"
"When it's time to bail, seriously get the F out!"
"Vitamin water will cure your aching head"
"Do not be ruled by seduction it will lead you to the loneliest place you will ever be"
"Just comb it over"
"Easy there killer, that's a love handle!"
"Are you running away from me, are you running away from you!?"
Some kick ass music videos I enjoy breaking neck to!
